The wages of sin....
Last week I was robbed. A very polite lady working at a cash register in a shop called LCBO beat the crap out of my debit card and all because I wanted a bottle of wine or so. LCBO, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario is the only place in Ontario that sells wine and spirits to take home. The shops are very impressive, often being in large old municipal buildings and in prime locations, and so they might be, the prices are extortionate. In Spain, where I lived for three and a half years, you could by a bodega for the price of a good bottle of plonk in Canada.
Officially my job is based in Costa Rica, but due to my project I am spending most of my time in Toronto and I'm thinking of asking my boss for a booze supplement to my wages. The only saving grace for Toronto booze-wise is that it is home of the Granite Brewery that make some very fine real ales. So it may be freezing cold (actually a lot below freezing) over the winter but at least I can get a warm beer! So the wages of sin might not be death but it costs a bloody lot to support ones vices.
On the subject of sinning, I was christened much against my wishes into the Church of England. I voiced my opinion loud and strong, but as I couldn't form words at that age, no-one paid much head to my objections. I don't remember rightly, but I feel sure that the young and very rebellious me may have tried to urinate in the font as an act of protest.
Growing up in the South of England where religion is something you do at births, deaths and marriages and only for the sake of tradition, unless you are a complete nutcase, I never really understood the whole my branch of Christianity is better than your branch of Christianity thing. I still don't and as an agnostic, I probably never will. For those that are unsure of what an agnostic is, it is probably best described as a sort of spineless, chicken shit, indecisive, sit-on-the-fence atheist. I may admit to a supreme being, but I'm not going to describe it's nature. However, I am thinking of becoming a Catholic, not because I have any new found religious inclination. I just like the idea of confession. Don't get me wrong, it's not a recently developed affectation for religions that have free weekly psychoanalysis sessions, I just like the idea of an attentive ear to listen the edited highlights of my colourful life......

Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been 39 years since my last confession, or it would have been if I'd had a priest present at my birth. (I exaggerate my age here for gravitas and although I was really born in 1966, I am still only twenty nine and a bit). For research purposes I have just cross referenced the seven deadly sins, with the ten commandments and any connection between them, is at best tenuous, in fact depending upon interpretation, the ten commandments are actually sinful!

For those of you that don't remember or wish to become experts, here they are:

The Seven Deadly:

1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Greed
7. Sloth

The Ten Commandments:

1. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Exemplifying Greed (for adulation), Pride (in the position), Lust (for power) and all the others with the sole exception of Sloth, God seems to be a bit of a sinner here and not a right-on role model.
2. "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments." Pride, Envy and Anger for sure, the others following with Sloth taking up last place, much as you would expect I suppose.
3. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." Getting repetitive here isn't it? Pride in at number one, the others following. Sloth as yet hasn't smelled the coffee. But the case for the prosecution remains sound, God is guilty of a lot of this sinful stuff.
4. "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it." Finally, at last, Sloth wakes up and tells the others to give it a break, the others sins being too bone idle to wake up on Sunday (or err... is it Saturday if you are Jewish?). God condoning Sloth however is a bit of a worry. This however is a commandment I can get behind, If only this could have been a Friday through Monday long weekend type commandment.
5. "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Nice he's stopped talking about himself for a bit (or herself). Definitely a veiled threat here though, Anger is in there for sure. Greed in there as a distant second place as well in the hope of a bit of getting the farm. The demand for adulation though is a bit sickening.
6. "Thou shalt not kill." At last a moral commandment! However, this has been countered by justifications for capital punishment in Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. As you can see, God love a bit of killin'. Have a bit of a look if you can be bothered, here and even more so, here. As you can see, there's nothing like a little homicide to keep the creator happy. Unfortunately hypocrisy isn't listed as a sin so he/she gets away on a technicality! This small stuff aside, check out God's opinion on the Midianites. Bastard!
7. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." I didn't even realise that was a sin until researching this article, I just thought some people got lucky! Anyway, in terms of sinfulness, this is a tricky one, if you aren't collecting notches on the bedpost which rules out Greed, the question is really dependent on whether Lust is involved. If it is a love thing with a woman that is not your wife then Lust is out, so this might be a pure act and technically not sinful.
8. "Thou shalt not steal." Well I'm cool with this, but check out the Old Testament. God is telling his chosen ones that there is no better way to spend the weekend, than bloodily rushing the the opposition. See the big Midianite land grab.
9. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." A commandment that is not a self (God) centred demand for worship can never be a completely bad thing, this one is probably the only one that the big 'G' can keep to, so not a bad one to remember. Because of it's importance I shall paraphrase it "Don't Lie!".
10. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." Condemnation of jealousy for the common mortal here, a great thing, if only it wasn't one of those one rules for God one for everyone else type things...... see the earlier commandments. For the record I have never coveted nor covered my neighbour's ass, nor his manservant's. His maidservant's and wife's are another matter completely.

So , in short, after a little self analysis, I have discovered that I am right up there with God in terms of sin level although he(she) tends to go for the sins of the ego; anger, pride etc while I am more into coveting my neighbour's wife's ass.

It's a funny old thing this religious lark, you can bust most of the ten commandments without being a sinner and be a resolute follower of the ten commandments and a sinner of the worst sort.

But going back to this confession business ......

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been 39 years since my last confession, I have committed adultery am guilty of lust, constantly, I have had sex outside marriage with over xxxxxx women. Gluttony and Sloth I am an expert at! I am good at Pride and I envy anyone that has any of the following: a latina girlfriend/wife even though I have one already; nice kids; an Aston Martin; that is a better cook than me (this doesn't happen often); has a beer in front of them; has more beer in their glass than I do. I am also guilty of unnatural acts with any number of hot babes (isn't oral sex in contravention of some rule or other under Catholicism) err blasphemy and many other terrible things. And that was just last week..."

a little later......

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned, It has been 5 minutes since my last confession, but I just like talking about this stuff......"

Language
I have always been fascinated by languages, the way they travel across the world evolving, morphing and adapting to their new environments, merging with new languages, sometimes dieing. They leave audible tracks of the migrations of people, tell us where individuals are from, their education, upbringing and attitudes. They are living history. Some are relatively pure and untouched where the native speakers have been isolated, some like English are a mix of many others displaying many roots.

Traveling through Europe you start to notice that the languages we think of as national are really just the dominant languages imposed by the victors of earlier wars. The language that most people call Spanish is actually Castillian. There are five major languages in the geographical area known as Spain, the others are Catalan, Galician, Asturian and Basque, each of which has dialects. Italy has among others, Italian (Tuscan), Sardinian, Sicilian, Ligurian, Neapolitan, Lombard, Piedmontese, Emiliano-Romagnolo.
The Breton of France speak a language that is most closely related to Cornish and Welsh. Cornish although it has been revived, is to all intents and purposes extinct, with only about 400 people speaking it fluently. Breton shares about 80% of words with Cornish and about 70% with Welsh.

We have the soldiers of the Roman Empire to thank for the commonality of the European languages, speaking Vulgar Latin and changing forever the linguistic history of everywhere they conquered. Many of the similarities are still there today.

The Spanish word for address is dirección. I thought nothing of this when I started to learn the language. Then I arrived in Costa Rica, where outside the centre of major cities there are no street names, house numbers or post codes (zip numbers). Here are some examples of addresses in San Jose (in English): 700m South and 100m North of supermarket Saretto, Escazu; Apartment 3, 200M below Rancho Macho, Santa Ana.
Addresses really are directions which is why the Spanish word for address and the word for direction is the same. There are still addresses in San Jose given as directions from El Higueron, a famous fig tree which has long since gone. So as you can imagine newcomers to the area might find things a little confusing.
The last time I left Toronto for San Jose, my colleague from Costa Rica, Ricardo was mostinsistentt that I wrote down the address of the office here so he could find it on his own or get there by Taxi. I said "look Ricardo, it's easy, its number XXXX Jane Street." Ricardo told me that Canadian addresses were confusing for him because they didn't tell you where the trees were or the closest ranch or river or anything.
I think he was worried that without landmarks the taxi drivers would never find the place. Having experienced Toronto Taxi drivers I quite agree with him and can see the advantages of the Costa Rican address style.

Spanish is a very confusing language for the English speaking native, there are fourteen tenses, a different verb form for each person, masculine and feminine nouns, some of which change gender between singular and plural e.g. el agua, las aguas . In fact there aren't really many Spanish that fully understand Spanish grammar. It has has to be difficult really, Vulgar Latin mixed with Arabic, what a combination! The history of Moorish occupation is still betrayed by the language in pronunciation and some of the words. The Spanish exclamation Ojalá (Portuguese Oxalá) meaning 'I wish' or 'I hope' is derived from "law šá lláh" or as Muslims today say Insha'Allah meaning "If Allah wills it".

Much like the application of all rules and regulations in Latin countries, the language rules are also mostly guidelines and you can never really rely on any to be solid. Most nouns ending in an 'e' or an 'o' are masculine, most nouns ending in an 'a' are feminine. Sometimes the ending indicates the gender e.g. el chico - 'the boy', la chica - 'the girl', el gato - 'the tom cat', la gata - 'the she cat'. But this doesn't always hold true.

A friend of mine, Nuala rides horses, the Spanish word for horse is caballo. Nuala was at the stables and was going to take a mare out for a ride. She didn't say Voy a montar mi caballo, 'I am going to ride my horse' because it was a mare and thinking it might be better she applied the language rule swapped the 'o' for an 'a' and announced to peels of laughter from those present Voy a montar mi caballa which means 'I am going to ride my mackerel'.

Someone else I know went in to a butchers when they first arrived in Spain. It was full of happy Spanish women out doing their morning shopping. He wanted to buy a chicken. The Spanish word for chicken is pollo. So he waited for is turn and announced to the lady working behind the counter Quiero una polla grande! the women in the shop started laughing and the woman working behind the counter asked Que grande? or 'How large?' He hadn't realised that the slip of the tongue which is the difference between pollo and polla made the difference between asking for a large chicken and stating that he would like a big penis.

On another note, my cousin Mark lives on the Welsh island Anglesey home to the town with the longest Railway Station name and possibly URL in Britain: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch which is Welsh for 'St Mary's church in the hollow of the white hazel near a rapid whirlpool and the church of St Tysilio of the red cave'. This name is of course so long that it is surprising that the Germans have not reappropriated it for themselves.

The Germans are well known for the mercilessness of their almost limitless compound nouns, the longest official ones being: Rinderkennzeichnungs- und Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which means Law on delegation of supervision duties for marking of cattle and labeling of beef and Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft which means the association for subordinate officials of the head office management of the Danube steamboat electrical services.

Bastards!

English is constantly evolving and unlike the French or the wannabe French Québécoise , the English seem happy with the adoption of new words such as punani (which is a fantastic word) from immigrant populations and the evolution of the meaning of existing words.


Booyakasha!

Punani is the name of a village in Sri Lanka (as well).

Radio 4
When Today Programme presenter Brian Redhead's death was announced on January 23rd 1994 it was, although unannounced as such, a day of national mourning for the British middle classes. The media were full of tributes and people I knew told me that his death hit them personally. Although I listened to Radio 4 at this time and had heard Today now and again, it wasn't really a part of my life. Brian's death prompted me to tune in, perhaps for no other reason than to catch the zeitgeist. I have now been listening more or less every day for the last eleven years. The Today Programme is my cerebral caffeine, without it I'm not sure I mentally wake up. Every couple of years I go on vacation and am without it for a fortnight. Much more than this and I feel that my connection with what is happening in the world will fade and I will dumb down. So the Today programme is now as much a part of my daily regime, as it is of my father's, Margaret Thatcher's and millions of other Britons.

The British nuclear deterrent (nucular for US Republicans), the Royal Navy's Trident equipped Vanguard submarines that quietly cruise the depths of the North Atlantic have a series tests to perform should they lose contact with their command structure that would indicate that the UK has suffered from a devastating nuclear attack and that it is time to open the sealed envelope. It has been reported on numerous occasions that one of these tests is the absence of the Today Programme for 3 consecutive days. So I guess I'm not the only one that feels a bit out of sorts if I haven't heard it for a while.

When I first moved to Gibraltar and then Andalucia, I listened to Today via the British Forces Broadcasting Service on BFBS2 transmitted from the Rock. Somewhat later I started listening via the internet as good reception was guaranteed. Then I discovered the absolutely marvelous Listen Again service, through which I can keep listening to some of the other Radio 4 institutions I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, Any Questions and so many others. Comedies, plays, short stories and programs that have kept me company since I first started listening to Radio 4 at 12 years old. Whoever championed the implementation of this fantastic feature on what is an already brilliant internet portal needs to be, knighted, canonised, awarded a Nobel prize and given a small island, Guernsey perhaps, in recognition of his services to mankind.

No-one who has ever heard one of his broadcasts could forget the quiet measured tones and comforting wisdom of Alistair Cooke and for me as I suspect for many others, he became the wise grandfather I always regret not spending enough time with.

So via the magic of the Listen Again feature and the Today programme, wherever I am in the world, I always wake up in Britain.

Never a truer word was spoken than in 2003 when Today Programme presenter John Humphrys received a lifetime achievement award together with a national radio station award for Radio 4 and said in his acceptance speech....

"Radio 4 is the civilising influence in this country - I think it is the most important institution that we have"

Moving Pictures.....
Films and Television are becoming the way we define ourselves. A common international point of reference. People will often describe colleagues as looking like a character from a movie or TV, she looks like Julia Roberts in Erin Brockavich, he looks like Gene Hackman in the French Connection. We describe items, posessions, people and experiences as being like those seen in a film.
Harmless datums and comparators mostly, simply serving as descriptors we all understand. But it is going too far. People on the street view themselves in comparison with the unattainable standards set by airbrushed stars, believing that if only they could harness the same trappings of wealth or the same digitally corrected beauty that they would be happy. The narcissists in the gym that believe that inner happiness and contentment can be achieved by re-sculpting their torsos so they might emulate the youthful Schwarzenegger; the girls that believe they are fat grotesques because they do not share the Gwyneth Paltrow wispy figure; the black guys that find self definition in their pimped rap star Mercedes and the lonely Joe on the street that thinks that if he had the Ferrari and the Hollywood bank account, he would find love and contentment. Television and movies gear us to relate to superficialities and material wealth, encouraging us to compare ourselves with the bland characters of the big and small screen and the actors that play them. Shallow is now an aspirational character asset with men anxious to be judgmental and tough instead of compassionate and fair. The ideal woman has been reduced to a wisecracking sex kitten right into her sixties, rather than your mum or your grandmother. Anyone failing to meet these standards is seen as too fat, too skinny, too pale, too poor or without that movie quality.

Enough is enough. The fiction is OK, but that is all it is. Let us not compare each other with anyone, just try to be a little more understanding and a little more caring, of the people we don't know as much as of the people we do.

For the record I have the roguish charm of Han Solo, the time tempered intellect of Obi Wan Kenobi and am hung like a wookie. *

*All Star Wars characters referenced here are from the superb first three movies produced rather than the last three crap ones.

Apologies to the readership for the dearth of articles in the last week, I have been traveling and quite ill.