Ikkiertok is the Inuktitut or Eskimo language word for 'feels cold' and before anyone gets on their high horse about 'Eskimo' being a bad word and the correct word being Inuit, note that Eskimo is a Cree word and used by many Inuit interchangeably, secondly I am not known for my political correctness. But I digress. It is commonly acknowledged that the tribes moved across the land bridge from Asia to the Americas over what is now the Bering Straight some 20,000 years ago.

The origins of man are believed by most to have been in what we now call Africa, homo sapiens appeared about 250,000 years ago and modern man arrived only about 50,000 years ago when he first started comparing gadgets with his mates and complaining about how oppressively hot it was. Unsurprisingly, this is about the same time the first of our predecessors left Africa to colonise the rest of the world.

During the migration of man people spread across Europe, Asia, Australasia and, about 20,000 years ago, began the push across Siberia to the Americas, some settling in Greenland, Alaska and Northern Canada on their way to more southerly climes. What seems more amazing than the inexorable spread of man, is the fact that at no point during the long march across the Arctic did anyone say "What the fuck are we doing here? Let's go back to Africa!"

....... and the weather, I have said it once and I'll say it again, Canada has got too much of it. Coming back here in January is a good reminder of why I want to live somewhere else. It's -8C today falling to -12C tonight and there is a bit of a wind, which means that if you include the wind chill factor it feels fucking cold. I walked to the subway today with my father in-law Dave, I'm not used to the temperature here after 5 minutes my neat and tidy conveniently recessed ears turned blue, after 10 minutes they cracked and fell off. It was so cold my cheeks stung and my teeth hurt. Dave loaned me some ear muffs which I used to clamp the little icey discs of flesh to the sides of my head until they glued themselves back on. I really can't imagine what it must be like to live in a 'cold' part of this country, in Winnipeg this weekend it will get to -34C.

For people such as myself this is all far too cold, although I imagine that the residents of Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories are reading about the weather here today and are buying their flights and packing their swimming trunks for some beach time on the shores of lake Ontario. The mean average annual temperature in Yellowknife is -5.4C, tonight there it will fall to -39C after a comparatively baking hot -24C earlier today.

The coldest temperature ever recorded and confirmed in Canada was at Snag in the Yukon, a ghost town now (for obvious reasons), but back in 1947 a thriving metropolis of about 10 natives and fur traders and a dozen or so military staff trying to hold open the little airport on the Northwest Staging route when on February 3rd the temperature dropped to -63C (-81.4F). For the record, the coldest temperature reliably recorded on earth was -89.2C (-128.6F) on July 21st 1983 in the Antarctic by the Russian Vostok scientific research station.

Fortunately, global warming seems likely to make Canada an archipelagic tropical paradise, the tundra will melt, Mounties will politely police the happy populace from airboats and better still, rising sea levels will submerge large parts of Quebec.

RANT MODE ON>
We are in Canada for the week, well I am in Canada for the week, Laura and Evelyn will be here for perhaps two months. With everything that has gone on we weren't paying attention while Laura's fiance visa ran out and even though we are married, the retards that work in and manage the Home Office said she had to go back to Canada and re-apply for a spousal visa that they actually have no choice but to grant as it would contravene European law to refuse it. Sorry, but it's this sort of thing that really gets me down about the United States of Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and that other place that no-one in the Scottish run UK government seems to give a shit about. Until the general public noticed what they were doing, the Labour party had a more or less open door policy to immigration from poor countries so they can grow their voter base in England. They covered what they were doing with crap about immigration being great for the economy stating how much tax the immigrant population had contributed without mentioning the cost of social security payments, healthcare costs, council/government/court translation fees, prison costs, available accomodation and housing stock depletion (with the consequent increase in house prices and non-availability of social housing) and the cultural destruction caused by large scale settlement of people that would prefer on the whole to change England rather than fit in with the indigenous population.


Don't get me wrong, this isn't a race thing, I feel the same way about a large number of the British ex-pats in Spain, but at least most of them are paying their own way.


If you can't positively contribute, (which means you give more than you cost) to the country you move to then stay home. Of course if you can, then go live wherever you want or move in next door, it's fine by me!


I have always worked, haven't claimed any benefits in 22 years, pay over
£40,000 per year in direct taxation (for which I get more or less nothing in return) and to keep my English speaking, fullied supported by me, wife in the country it has cost me:

Douglas Adams observed in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy that, "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." The same could I think be said for most all politicians and the bureaucratic lickspittles of the Civil Service that serve no-one other than themselves. I have come to realise over the years that the working for the government is: the lazy man's alternative to a real job; like sitting on a cart laughing while someone else pushes you uphill; the governments mendacious way of reducing unemployment statistics or a combination of all three. It is not important which party gets in, once they have been in power for a while their tongues are so deep in the sphincters of the people that buy their favours they can no longer see or hear the people that they are supposed to serve. When will they realise that they should answer to the tax payers that work so that the politicians can sit on their arses thinking up more ways to asset strip the middle classes.

RANT MODE OFF>

On a different note I read a hilarious book on the flight over: the autobiographical Don't tell mum I work on the rigs she thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse by Paul Carter, buy it, read it and lend it to your friends, I'll be buying the sequel for my flight back.

After my reference to George W McMonkeyboy in my previous post I was quite surprised to stumble upon the intriguing BushorChimp website, circumstantial yet compelling evidence for the theory that although humans and chimpanzees share 98% of their DNA, with Republicans it is closer to 99%. Furthermore, a little googling revealed that he has been nicknamed Smirky McChimp on both sides of the US political divide.

Americans, don't you love'm!

Apologies to my good US buddies Tim, Karyn, Karen and others whom I really do love for the embedded sarcasm in the title. Further apologies to all my friends from non-US North, South and Central American countries that get upset when the word American is used interchangeably with the phrase United States citizen



Electroshock stun gun manufacturers Taser have just released a new product to pimp up their personal protection line, the new leopard print TASER® C2, the very latest in high fashion ghetto weaponry.






And that's not all, so as you don't get bored on the bus waiting for someone to attempt mugging you, you can buy a specially designed case for it, the TASER® MPH Holster, with a built in MP3 player. I shit you not.



It's only a 1GB MP3 player though, so you had better not be too fussy over who you shoot with it or you might run out of rap before you zap.








My good friend John went back to Reggio Emilia for Xmas where he keeps his wife and kids. It is this hallowed region of Northern Italy that we have to thank for Parmigiano-Reggiano and prosciutto di Parma. When John wants some parmesan cheese he goes to the dairy that make it and tells them how much to cut from a wheel. When I want some I go to my bank manager. John pays about €12.5 (£9.36) per Kg, here in the UK it costs between €35 and €60 (£25-£45) per Kg. He brought back a 1.2Kg chunk for me. I was so grateful when he pulled my cheese out in the pub (fnar fnar) that I forgot myself and bought him a pint.









Now we live in a very nice part of town, next to a less nice part of town. I'm a big guy so I don't get bothered much, but it makes a man a little nervous walking around with that much cheese. Maybe I should get one of those Taser C2s, you can stop a big mouse with one of those babies!






And another thing, I'd like Hilary Clinton to be the next President of the United States, she is an intelligent, compassionate and thoughtful woman and would I think, do the best job repairing the financial, social and reputational damage inflicted on the country and the rest of the world by George W Mc Monkeyboy. I would also like to hear lurid details of new oval office sex scandals and as a Clinton, I reckon she is the best candidate for this as well.



Crocs Update: Don't bother with the mammoths! As they don't have a strap at the back your heels come out at every step and you feel like a hairy transvestite harlot wearing them. Not for me matey oh no!

Well 2007, a year that could in many ways be likened to ducking for toffee apples in a barrel of vinegar, is finally over. Settling down again in the UK has been financially ruinous, my job has had more downs than ups and Laura hasn't been well a lot of the time. On the plus side: we had a healthy baby despite all attempts by the NHS to ruin it by prescribing Laura 1/5 of the medication needed for her hypothyroid condition and repeatedly losing her test results; we got married; things are much better at work, although that may all change in the next month or so as changes emanating from the take-over of my employer become apparent; my bonus in February should clear my UK debts.

2008 will be interesting, if all goes to plan:

• We'll spend a month in Amsterdam while I attend to some issues in the office there.
• Evelyn will get chatty and take her first faltering steps.
• The current government will give up, call an election and lose mightily.
• England will get independence from Scotland.

I truly despair of this country, additionally, I saw this sign on a shelf at Boots the chemist last week:

Sorry, but I don't think that anyone unable to work out what half of £1 is should be allowed out alone and certainly not allowed out to spend money, I have kitchen utensils that could work this out.

I have decided that I like Crocs. A lot. I bought a pair of black Jekyll Crocs in a Spanish supermarket last year figuring that I needed some as it was so hot and they were only about €7 which seems about the price that they should be. I now wear them in the house as slippers, out the house, to go to the pub and much to the consternation of Laura with socks if it is cold. I ordered a pair of genuine Crocs Caymans today and am waiting for a pair of Mammoth Crocs to arrive in the post so that I can do without the socks and dissing from my better half. My bank balance is a depressing shade of deep scarlet, but my Paypal balance is OK due to my offing some unwanted stuff shortly before Xmas, from which my feet will soon be reaping benefits. Laura hasn't missed out, I bought her some black and white Sassaris and some ruby Alices. There is an old army saying apparently, that goes "spend as much as you can on your boots and your bed, because when you're not in one, you're in the other". Buy some, your feet will love you and they don't actually cost that much, especially if you get a snide pair.