Chance and Offialdom
Well, this was the day that every previous day in my life was leading up to. The same of course could be said on every day. This one was a little special though. I left Spain today. I came back to tidy things up and vacate my apartment and that is now done. My friend Manda flew over and helped me pack my things as she did when I left the UK in 2002. Today I woke from a troubled sleep around 8am. The only thing left to pack was my desktop PC, all my other chattels being boxed and awaiting the removal men.


After a coffee I cycled across the frontier and entered the Orwellian tax office in Gibraltar. Here I queued for 20 minutes to see an orangutan behind a door marked 'Information'. I told the tax simian that I had ceased to work in Gibraltar as of August. After retrieving a particularly stubborn termite from his chair and putting it in his mouth, he told me that I would need a form. I proffered a form and asked if it was the required item. He looked at me ponderously, swallowed the termite he had been chewing, defecated behind a waste basket and told me that I would have to queue again and go into one of the two doors marked 'Enquiries'.
In the waiting room ten people were decaying and ruminating over the sheer life sapping experience which is a visit to any government department anywhere in the world. Governments actually seem to seek out, not so much under achievers, but people that although they may have evolved physically along with everyone else, retain the cerebral capability of sea sponges. After another hour it was my turn and I entered a door marked 'Enquiries'. The chimp in attendance looked at the form I had shown the orangutan in the booth next door, asked me to sign it and I left for my next brush with officiousness.

I went to my bank, which is actually Norwich and Peterborough Building Society and saw a mortgage advisor about switching from an endowment policy to a repayment policy. All was very interesting and it well until I asked about redemption values for the endowments. At which point the mortgage advisor Janet told me that as I had only held these policies for about 3 years, there would probably be no redemption value as "they cost a lot to set up and are long term savings vehicles". At this point I felt I had slipped though a worm hole and Janet was confusing me with an innumerate labourer circa 1950, that didn't realise that it doesn't cost 20,000 pounds sterling to establish a savings vehicle and that thought that bankers were respectable people rather than liars, cheats and thieves conducting their fraud through legal channels. I left and will be speaking to one of their representatives in the near future.

I enjoyed a relaxing late breakfast at Da Paulos in Marina Bay with a copy of the Daily Telegraph. The UK Conservative party leadership elections are amusing in the extreme. I have always hoped that the Tories will ultimately bury themselves up their own collective arses, pulling up their pants on their way in and we will all be left wondering where all the spiteful, out-of-touch people have got to. It looks like I will get my wish as the only leadership contender recognised as human by the electorate at large is Ken Clarke and the rest of the Tory MPs are rejecting him for not having pointy enough teeth, not being able to prove his Transylvanian heritage etc.

I went home and had a nap. On waking around 5pm I did some important thinking lovely thoughts about Marie and packed away my PC. The removal guys turned up and emptied the flat, Kay came by to pick up keys and paperwork, Anas and Lourdes arrived to take me to the airport and Ken, who was already at the airport to send me off, called to inform me that the flight had been delayed and not to rush.

Ken waited with me until the delayed plane had arrived. He's been having a rough time of late what with his girlfriend dieing. He has been very morbid and speaking of giving up, which I don't like, as it's terrible to hear someone you care for chewing themselves up. I offered a couple of suggestions as to new direction, but with little success and then a mini-flash of inspiration. In my carry-on luggage I had a copy of the Messiah's Handbook. I handed it to Ken and asked him to open it and see what it said. He opened , the book, turned to it and read..

Here's a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:

If you're alive, it isn't.

So that was cool I had providence on my side and that seemed to cheer Ken enormously.

After arriving at Heathrow I queued for a taxi to take me to Manda's. The black cab driver informed me that as I wanted to got to Ashford, which is approximately 5 minutes away and that it was outside the metropolitan area, it would cost 48 pound. Sorry but black cab drivers are mostly tossers. They won't take you south of the water (The Thames) after midnight and only apply taxi rules as they see fit. "Sorry mate I can't turn around, I'm in a rush, on my way to a dental appointment, I only stopped 'cos I thought you might also have, one or maybe need to get some flowers from the shop next door." I called Manda to come get me.

It was late, I updated the blog, called Marie and fell asleep.

I would like to apologise to all of the great apes for comparing them to people who work for government offices.