As I write, my exceedingly beautiful ex-girlfriend is getting changed in the bedroom. Laura and I haven't split up or anything, it's just as she is now my fiancee having been promoted two weeks ago to her current position, she is no longer my girlfriend. But I digress...

Laura is currently on the fourth change of clothes in the last quarter of an hour. There is a crisis forming, you see we will have to go out of the house where people whom we don't know and we don't care about will see us. If we are not paragons of up to the minute yet timeless sartorial style, the shame will be immeasurable. Not only clothes, combinations of clothes, make up, lipstick and hair style issues. This attitude is of course not confined to Laura, it is nearly all girls, girly-boys and some men (not real men of course oh no!). Things are different if you are a bloke.

Let me explain......
Girl getting ready to go out: Into the shower, feel the relaxing warm water and worry about whether it will dry out your skin; wash body all over except for face with pH neutral body milk type soap and body scruffing glove, sponge or flowery thing; step out of shower and snatch boyfriend/husbands shaving cream and razor. Use whole can of shaving soap shaving legs, armpits and possibly trimming the lawn, but not too much as there is a Doctor's appointment later in the week, nothing too adventurous, can't have the doctor thinking that sort of thing oh no! Worry about cellulite and legs being too fat. Shampoo with correct combination shampoo suitable for dry/greasy/normal and blonde/brunette/redhead hair. Wash hair thoroughly, gently massaging the scalp and cleaning the hair from the root to the ends. Worry about split ends and whether the hairdresser will have a slot free on Thursday. Apply correct conditioner type for hair type light/normal/dark, blonde/brunette/redhead, normal/fine/damaged. Leave conditioner on as specified on bottle or last week's article in Cosmopolitan. Reach for clean fluffy towel and dry off being sure not to abraid skin before applying moisturising body milk to stop skin drying out. Remember that you want a wee, have a wee, get back into shower, showering from waist down only. Worry about too much tummy fat. Dry off, and reapply mosturising body milk to waist down. Inspect toenails and decide against varnish as you won't be wearing open toed shoes that night. Towel dry hair. Wash face with exfoliating scrub, wash face with pH neutral face soap. Worry about pimple and whether other people will notice it. Clean ears with cotton buds. Dry hair thoroughy with hairdrier. Worry about split ends. Style hair up, style hair down. Apply makeup, a process too complicated to be described by modern science. Leave bathroom for use of boyfriend/fiance/husband. Tell man to stop playing on the computer and hurry up or we'll be late. Select panties, select bra, select blouse, change bra because it doesn't match the blouse, change panties because they do not match the bra. Select shoes. Select skirt/trousers (pants if you speak North American). Tell male partner to stop playing on the computer or we'll be late. Worry about whether it will be cold out. Decide better safe than sorry and select jumper/shawl/jacket. Realise that warm article doesn't match shoes, change shoes, change trousers or skirt to match shoes. Change blouse to match skirt/trousers, change bra to match blouse, change panties to match bra. Put on lipstick.

Bloke getting ready to go out: Walk into bathroom when girlfriend/wife is in the shower. Wonder whether it is time for romance. Get told that it isn't or 'we'll be late'. Go back to computer. Ignore requests to get in the shower as it will be at least another hour before she's ready to go out. Go into bathroom while female is applying makeup naked and wonder whether it is time for romance. Get told that it isn't or 'we'll be late' and go back to computer. Involve oneself in matters of vital national importance on news sites, ebay etcetara. Notice lady of the house in state of semi nudity, wonder if it's time for romance, realise from the hard stare that it is not and go into bathroom. Shrug off clothes and step into shower and feel the relaxing hot water, look down admiringly. Realise you want a wee and wee, try to hit plughole no hands. Hope that noise of shower will mask indiscretion. Wash all over with first bottle that comes to hand. Wonder about why the soap doesn't seem to work and realise that you have been trying to wash yourself with light blonde normal hair conditioner. Reach for dark coloured bottle of manly showergel or any other detergent. Wash everything, well not that thing, at least not too thoroughly, there may be time for romance later! Wash hair with fluid from any bottle except the one with conditioner in it. Step out of shower and dry off with towel previously used by female. Rub hand through hair and consider it dry. Look in the mirror admiringly. Wet face with water from basin in preparation for shaving, look all over for shaving cream, find can in the shower, be confused about why you'd have left it there of all places. Attempt to squirt shaving cream onto palm of hand but there's none left, ask lady of the house if she has used shaving cream and razor and on hearing the answer decide to forego the shave. Notice spot on cheek and squeeze it until a satisfying pop noise and squirt of puss are achieved. Wander about the house/apartment aimlessly without clothes on for a bit. Walk into bedroom, put on underpants, socks, look at the jeans you were wearing yesterday, sniff them, put them on because the smell does not making you gag, stand up, notice curry stain on thigh, take them off. Select new pair of jeans from closet, put them on and grab shirt that will probably not look offensive with the jeans. Put on shoes and feel confused about why you are ready to go out when your better half is halfway through her third change of clothes. Wait for her to be ready to leave, walk to the door together, quick check (Wearing trousers? Yes! Keys? Yes! Wallet? Yes! Mobile phone? Yes!) and it's off to the supermarket.