Yesterday, at work, during a banal conversation about the impending re-organisation, a colleague astounded the assembled members of the team by announcing that he probably held The Land Speed Wank Record as he had tossed himself off on the Tokyo bullet train at 300km/h (about 180mph). It was competition between the itinerant consultants at the financial services company he was working at. He had been hoping for the World Speed Wank Record, having had one in Business Class on a Boeing 747, but failed miserably as someone else at the firm had had a supersonic wank at Mach 2.02 on Concorde (about 2,140 km/h or 1,330 mph). As Concorde is no longer flying this record will probably stand for quite a while, unless a space shuttle crewman can knock one out on re-entry of course, but this would likely remain a classified wank.